This is where I am at today......looking at the mountain above me and wondering if and how I am going to climb out of this low place.
I am just going to write how this comes to my mind and it may not make much sense to you all but....Sorry!
Feel free to skip reading if you want!
No offense will be taken!
I just need to get this off my heart!
It all began yesterday when my 11 almost 12 year old daughter came downstairs in the morning and announced to me that she was only eating fruits and vegetables for the day!
I questioned her as to why she would want to do this....with some creative conversation on my part it was revealed that she did not want to get 'fat'.................I wanted to just cry and I still do want to right now!
What kind of an example have I been to her????
I have never hidden the fact from my family that I have a problem with eating and I talk freely with my husband about eating, bondage to food, about my dislike for my body.
I need to talk through the process of walking out my freedom from this addiction...but it is now time to start picking and choosing when I discuss the things I am going through with my husband...I never had gave thought to the fact that the children all hear about it too because I talk whenever I feel like it.
Seriously when I think about it...if my addiction was to something else like drugs, pornography etc........
I WOULD HAVE NEVER DISCUSS IT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.......so why did I think it would not effect my children if I discussed my food addiction and how I hate the way I look????
Crazy!!!
So from today on I am going to be much more aware of what I am discussing and when...I know I can change and I am hoping that it is not to late for my daughter to 'forget' about how I have talked....I do not want her to struggle with the same issues I fight.
I am feeling actually very down about how my stupidity may have lasting negative effects on my children...I would never do anything to hurt them on purpose and I am SO mad at my self for not realizing this before now.
I heart is grieving today and I need to draw closer to God right now with all of this because my natural instinct is to eat my self sick...I have already spoke to Him about it but I still feel so burdened by it all!!!
Oh sweet one (((hugs))). I don't think you were stupid in sharing. The enemy is filling your head with lies. I believe our honesty is helping our girls (mine 10) to live healthier. I do try to talk to her in terms of "it's not healthy to overeat", etc. I try to make my discussions be on health terms. God wants us to take care of our bodies. Would you avoid talking to them about smoking pot or doing other drugs because your talking might make them do these things? Absolutely not. You're setting a great example for your daughter.
ReplyDeletePlease forgive me if this has come across the wrong way. I want to validate how you're feeling. I just don't want you to walk in condemnation. Much love and more (((hugs)))
This is so hard (((hugs))) to you. My oldest is only 4 but when she started stepping on the scale the scale got hidden. I think many, if not all of us that struggle with our weight don't want this to be passed on because we know how consuming and hard it is to overcome.
ReplyDeleteI don't really have advice because my kids aren't at that stage yet. But I would continue with your healthy eating and exercise and emphasize how it is important to keep our bodies healthy and happy.
Christine, my heart goes out to you!
ReplyDeleteBut please don't be so hard on yourself...take it for what it is...a lesson learnt. We are all on this journey with no set road map and we all make mistakes...it is never too late to turn things around!
You ARE free Christine....even is your mistakes you are STILL FREE!
There is a fine line between honesty and censorship..you will establish your line...know that guilt and regret are not your friends...they come to rob you.
much love and light to you today!
((((((Christine)))))) I'm so sorry. It is hard sometimes isn't it? Little ears are ALWAYS listening, even when we think that they are not. There is a delicate balance between sharing too much and never telling them anything. The fact that your daughter feels comfortable enough with you to tell you her innermost thoughts is HUGE!! That is wonderful. I try to make a point of not talking badly about myself in front of the children (or at all if possible, even when I feel like a beached whale) but they are so perceptive. I think that honesty is always best and I don't think that you have done anything wrong. Keep on keeping on. You are teaching your daughter that it is better to eat healthy, in moderation, than to overeat and indulge in foods that are bad for her. You are a GOOD mama!! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing that!
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to say, except that I needed to hear that.
Hugs and prayers,
Casey
I must admit that I am guilty of this also and I catch myself sometimes and have to bite my tongue. I think though that you are teaching her good habits, just maybe need to tweak her thought process. You are a WONDERFUL mother !!! God bless you and may He guide you and comfort you while you deal with this. Lift it up to Him.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Prayers !!!
Ah, my friend... I am so so sad to read your heart being so sad and down today. I am so so so sorry :(
ReplyDelete((hugs)) to you!
First and foremost, you ARE an amazing momma! You are! And the one thing that kids hear the loudest are our actions.. I think that your hard work at overcoming this addiction and walking in freedom shouts so much louder than anything else. And you can just share that with her. My daughter and I were standing in a check out line and on the cover of a magazine you see this bone thin woman... she had anorexia.. my 11 yr. old was aghast! Why is she so skinny, mom? So we had a HUGE talk on how that lady in the picture has a broken heart..it's so broken that she thinks that she doesn't see the beauty in her that God sees. It was a incredible talk, because she knows her momma has been walking out of a eating disorder. We talked about that.. how some people eat food, and other's don't. One binges and the other starves themself... how these actions are simply symptoms of one thing... a broken heart.
I don't know, lovie.. I am a huge communicator, and I don't hide things from my kiddles...especially my oldest. She sees everything... I just want her to know what I am doing, as opposed to her guessing, you know?
That's me tho. I know not everyone agrees with that... don't freak out about the "fat" word...it's everywere! She doesn't have to hear it from you, all she has to do is talk to a friend, read a magazine cover or turn on the TV, you know?
Just talk about it with her.. use the word "healthy" and "free".. I have told my oldest that just because a person is skinny doesn't mean they are healthy. Healthy is going to keep you vital and around for years, not skinny. A person can look skinny on the outside, but be sick and old on the inside. It doesn't equal healthy... just be open with her. Don't be afraid.. it's opportunity for conversation, lovie.. you are an amazing mom! You are walking this out as best as you can, and I am so so incredibly inspired by you and your life daily! Thankyou for bringing this here, to your blog space... I am praying right now for you... Don't be hard on yourself, honey.. just talk with her about it all...
Love you!! Amy
I'm coming by to seeeee you.. how are you lovie?
ReplyDeleteThough I do not have the cure all, I do want to offer you encouragement. I think it's great that you have clung to God during this tough time for you. For I have realized that ONLY Christ can heal my wounds. With that said, know that God creates children...people really...with resiliency. Though your daughter has heard you say things that you, at this point, regret, it's NOT the end of the world. Think about all of the positive things that she has heard you say that will combat your current issue!!! As a therapist, I know that the caring relationship you have with your kids will overshadow any unintentional "negative" thing that you could do. Just remember...the way you repair this situation is far more important than any "damage" that you feel you've done!
ReplyDeleteOh Christine...first off, I just want to send you a big hug. And then I want to admit something to you. I've done the exact same thing and have felt grieved for the very same reason. I am so hoping that MY problems don't become my girls' problems...who are very impressionable and deserve a healthy mom in every sense of the word. All we can do though is move forward. For whatever it's worth, I think it's important that we're honest about our struggles. Our children are aware of them anyway. But I do agree, we need to be careful about what and how much we reveal in the things we say.
ReplyDeleteHang in there my friend...the Lord is so good to walk with us through the valley. Be blessed.
I'm a little late, but I was worried that my focus on weight loss would adversely affect my almost-13-year-old twin daughters in how they view themselves. I had recently heard of a lady whose daughter was starving herself because she "didn't want to get fat like mommy".
ReplyDeleteI prayed about it and ended up doing one of our morning devotions out of Proverbs where "charm is deceitful and beauty is vain" and explained to my daughters that my journey to lose weight is not about how I look (though that is an added blessing), but about being healthier and taking care of what God gave me.
If you're still really concerned about this, maybe you can try that with your daughter. I haven't delved into my bondage to food in front of my children, more out of embarassment, but I wanted to make sure that my girls understand it's not about being skinny and that God gives us our bodies like they are and they are perfect to him. My girls are on the thin side, but I feel your pain and don't want them worrying about weight, even if they start to put it on in years to come.
You are not horrible for talking about this in front of your kids. It might be an eye opener and God can defnitely bring about good.
Take care!