Where am I going to start? I have a lot to try and put into words today and I hope that it all comes out as I want it to.
Here it goes....if you read my last post about my husband being gone for a couple of days then you will remember that I had a plan to keep myself from overeating. The plan was good in theory and it worked until last night at about 6pm. I actually wasn't hungry throughout the day and had not eaten all that I had allotted.
At 6pm or so though it started, the feelings of not caring about losing or at least the thoughts of "one of such and such won't hurt my efforts" but of course once I started that was the end of self control and moderation. I found things in the cupboard to eat (searched actually) that I have not even wanted for the last 12 weeks. It wasn't pretty what I allowed myself to resort back to. I pushed my body past the point of fullness to the point of pain in my stomach that I am still feeling the effects of today. I made willing choices to eat food and abandoned my decisions to eat healthy foods that support a good lifestyle. I entered a place of binging and gluttonous behaviour that I have not been to in over 12 weeks.
I went to bed with a sore tummy and full of condemnation...as soon as I laid my head down to sleep the flood of condemning thoughts came back just like before and I began to plan out how I would correct the damage I just did. Should I fast tomorrow, or eat only fruit for a day....basically punish myself for what I had done. I feel asleep feeling completely defeated!!!!
So when I awoke this morning I did a regroup and decided to look at where I have come from and where I am going. My goals are simple.....I want to lead a healthy life at a good weight so I can break the family history of early death by heart disease and see my babies have babies!!!!
So with the ball still in my stomach and my head pounding from last nights binge I came to these positive conclusions. My body and baby still need fuel today so I will eat according to my plan and not give in to that old cycle of deprivation. My husband will be home later today and I will share with him what I have been going through...he is defiantly my other half and when he is gone it effects me so much. I now know that I need to evaluate this trigger so that I can have a victory the next time he is away.
So that was the BAD and the ever so UGLY part of the last two days but I will leave you with these good thoughts that have helped me today.
When I was coming home from the park the other day my 2 year old wanted to be carried so I obliged. Now he weighs about 33 pounds and I have lost 26 pounds. Carrying him showed me that my body was really labouring to carry that much weight. My knees were hurting and I felt out of breath and the park is only two houses away from mine. This left me with a great feeling knowing that I have taken that much stress off of my frame.
I can feel such a difference in my energy level since beginning this journey 12 weeks ago...I don't need a nap everyday like before (but I still have one some days).
I have pushed my body to exercise harder than I have ever in my life...I can run and do sit ups and I have never been able to do these things.
For the last 12 weeks I have eaten healthy and have lost weight every week so I know the plan works!!!!
Sorry this was not my usual kind of post but it had to come out because it was my reality yesterday!!!